When we all become parents, surely, all of us would want the best for our kids. Who will not want their own kids to be the best in everything, to excel and be the crème de la crème(cream of the crop)?
However, could there be a point where, in us, parents, we start being clouded by our thoughts of wanting our kids to be the best in everything and that we start to expect too much from them and still think that we are actually being reasonable?
In this post, I would just like to let parents know that, as what David Cohen, a recently retired psychology professor at the University of Texus said: “many potentialities and limitations-in intelligence, temperament and mental health-are laid down prior to birth.” We may want our kids to do better than we did at the same age. However, if it is not in their genes, no amount of coaching or coaxing will move them beyond their natural gifts. In fact, the pressure they receive may have an opposite, adverse effect on them.
Trouble thus arises when parents ignore the signs that their child is not ready or are unable to live up to their expectations. As what Goldstein said, repeated failures experienced by a child may cause him/her to set the bar/goals too low for themselves. They might also withdraw from new experiences and miss out on good opportunities. These are so that they can assure themselves that they will not fail again.
“When a child does not meet expectations, the parent may feel resentment, which shows up as anger or frustration,” says Ronald P. Rohner, director of the Centre for the study of Parental Acceptance and Rejection at the University of Connecticut. As such, children may feel see their parents’ disappointment as rejection, and these feelings can lead the child to become hostile, experience emotional withdrawal, have a sense of incompetence, delinquency and may conduct problems.
As parents, it is best if we accept our kid for who they are and allow them to become what they want to be. This means, allowing our kids to pursue their interests, instead of pouring cold water on what they want to do just because what they love might bring less income to them or the job is very tedious and difficult to do which no one may like to do.
However, Ziegler warns, “don’t misinterpret acceptance as permissiveness.” Letting children do what they want when they want does no-one any good; homework must be done, family rules respected and consideration shown.
Often, kids will give us-parents- the clues we need to help them set and achieve realistic goals. “When parents are more supportive and loving of their children, children are often more motivated to exceed their parent’s expectations”, says Goldstein.
According to experts, below are the rules of positive parenting to help sharpen parents’ skills.
1. Know your child
2. Know yourself
a. Examine your motives in wanting more from your child. “Parents may have their own shame or unmet needs that they project onto their children,” says Rohner.
3. Educate youself
a. Talk to other parents and your paediatrician and read more child-development books to learn what you can reasonably expect from your child at each stage of his life.
b. Here is a list of books recommended by Reader’s Digest, it may be found in your local book shop or library.
i. Raising Resilient Children: Fostering Strength, Hope, and Optimism in Your Child, by Robert Brooks Ph.D., and Sam Goldstein, Ph.D.
ii. Stranger in the Nest: Do Parents Really Shape Their Children’s Personality, Intelligence, or Character? By David Cohen, Ph.D.
iii. The Irreducible Needs of Children: What Every Child Must Have to Grow, Learn and Flourish, by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., and Stanley I. Greenspan, M.D.
iv. Raising a Thinking Child, by Myrna Shure, Ph.D., with Theresa Foy Degeronimo, M.Ed.
v. The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness: Five Steps to Help Kids Create and Sustain Lifelong Joy, by Edward Hallowell, M.D.
4. Empathise
a. Take time to see yourself through your child’s eyes. Do you always point out his mistakes and do not praise him when he does well? Would you want to be treated this way?
5. Make adjustments
a. “No-one responds well to someone who is accusatory or judgmental,” says Goldstein. If you find yourself always pointing out your child’s mistakes or weak spots, refocus on his/her strengths. Once you change on your attitude, you may find that your child changes too.
6. Collaborate
a. As said by Frances Stott, psychologist and dean of Erikson Institute in Chicago, create a partnership with your child in which he can participate in setting appropriate goals and solving problems.
7. Read how your child feels
a. Your child’s behavior-anger, fidgeting, procrastination- says a lot about whether he/she is being asked to do more than he/she can manage.
8. Explore possibilities
a. This is a very good way to encourage your child. This is done by exposing your child to a variety of environments, this includes sports, arts, nature and science. Let him/her find out what she enjoys.
9. Keep your eye on the end goal
a. “A Parent’s main objective should be to raise a child who loves well, works well and takes pleasures in life,” advises Stott. “You won’t want to stifle curiosity, initiative and confidence.”
10. Avoid comparisons.
a. A style of parenting that works for one child may backfire for his sibling. “Every child has his/her own personality,” says Xiegler.
Thus, when handling your child, do not be too hard on him/her. Know what he/she likes to do (understand them). Do not be too soft on your child too. It might spoil them to become brats. Also, try out many different styles of parenting that will fit your child’s personality.
For those whom have read this article in Reader's Digest, it would have been noted that i did not really add much into the article. In fact i was mostly copying and pasting. I apologize for this as, i really am not a parent yet. However, i would just like to share this out to those whom are already parents or whom are parents-going-to-be. :)
Source
Solimini, C.(2004) Do You Expect Too Much of Your Kids? Your child's temperament may be taking him in a direction you hadn't planned on. Reader's Digest January 2004, 60-64
Below is just me reminiscing on some stuffs that has happened quite some time ago that till now, i still remember and it is all these bits and pieces, that has made me this way all due to my parents. :D It is not a must to read for it is very lengthy. I apologize for it being so long. Heehee J
My dad and mum used to be very strict on my sis and i. If I were to compare my sis and I, they were much more harsh on me. I found it unfair back then, as I always had to study and could not do anything I loved. While my sis, she can bake, cook and learn ballet when she wanted. However, her studies are not as good as mine. I guess my mum knew my sis is not the study type. Thus, she focused on her mostly on cooking, though my sis still have to study to have a good education background.
Wells for me, from primary to secondary school, it has all been study study study. There was once, when I was in primary five, where I remembered that I loved skating. The first time when I stepped on the rink was when I was on a holiday in Kuala Lumpur with my family. I remember, looking down to the rink from level 3, seeing people all sticking to the sides of the rink, trying to keep their balance. Curious as to what those people are doing down there, I asked my parents.
They told me that it is an ice-skating rink where people wear skates and blade. They also asked me if I would like to try. Eagerly, I said yes. Thus, my dad and mum placed my sis and I inside the rink while they shopped. I remember that they bought gloves and socks for us as we didn’t have them at that time. They even rented a locker for us to put our shoes! I slotted the key inside the locker, placed our shoes in, and locked it. As, being the ever so scared girl I was, to make sure that our shoes are safely inside the locker, I turned it open to check and when I wanted to lock it again, I couldn’t as it was a one-time usage locker. To lock it again, I would need to get money from my parents. Afraid that they would scold, my sis and I left our slippers underneath a chair.
After putting on our skates and tying our laces, we stepped on the rink. The feeling was indescribable to me really. At first, both of us stayed to the side, holding on to the rails as our support going round the rink. As I saw skaters gracefully twirling and doing all sorts of spins, jumps etc. in the middle of the rink, I really yearned to be one of them. I strayed of the rail and tried skating without the rails. Needless to say, I did fall, but it was only twice. Then, for the next few moments, I did not fall. Instead, I tried to pick up my speed. When our parents came to see us from level four, I remember they took a short video of me skating :D However, I do not know where it went anymore. I hope it is not lost but just hiding inside one of those memory cards, waiting for me to find them again and uncover my first steps in the ice. When our parents came to pick us up (they could pick us up anytime for the time you can spend in the ice skating rink in Sunway Pyramid Ice is unlimited), I left, excited and sad that I had to go back to Singapore soon. In Singapore, the ice skating rinks are quite small. There only used to be one in Jurong, however, it closed down. In replacement of it will be an Olympic-size skating rink! Gosh. I am really thrilled when I heard the news and I really want to go there to skate when I am free or when I have mastered my skating skills. Currently, before the ice skating rink in Marina Bay Sands was opened, there was only one in Kallang Ice World. The rink in Kallang Ice world is smaller than the rink in Marina Bay Sands and the one which has closed down in Jurong-Fuji Ice Palace. However, as that is the place closest to my home, I’ll head there to train. Currently now, as I am busy with school, I have stopped training. However, I intend to pick it back up, soon.
After that exposure to skating, I pestered my mum to let me learn skating. However, as she always focuses on studies, she did not allow me. It was only until I was at the ripe age of 16-17 that she allowed me to learn. It was there and then did she gave me more freedom. Before I could have this freedom I am having now, I hated my mum a few times and loved my dad more as he gave us things we wanted. I still remember when I was very young, I drew and explained out to my dad that I wanted a Nintendo Colour as it was advertising in the television. I explained to him in detail everything of it and that I wanted it to play pokemon. The next day evening, when he came back, he showed me a red Nintendo that I wanted. It was reddish pink. He even bought cartridges for me to play. I was so elated at that time. When he taught me how to press the on switch, immediately the screen lighted up and started to play music.
Now, as I am here, typing all these down, I thought about how my dad would have went to that shop where he got the Nintendo Colour, showing the shop owner my kiddy picture and checking the box which contained my Nintendo Colour to see if it looked like the one i drew and also, asking if they have some other colour like pink or red that would suit a girl like me :D & when the shop owner took out another box containing my red Nintendo, he said he would get that and so, as what normal shop owners would do, they would open the box to let my dad check the condition. Who knows, maybe the box contained batteries for my Nintendo. After my dad has checked the condition of My Nintendo Colour, I am positively sure the shop owner asked my dad if he wanted to buy any cartridges for my Nintendo as it needs them to play games. My dad asked if they had any pokemon games and he bought Pokemon Yellow and Silver version for me with my Nintendo Colour. :D As to where the box is now, I think my dad might have stored it somewhere or my mum had thrown it away. As given the young me last time, how would I know that gadgets all come in a box? Also, I definitely will not know what is the instruction manual for. Thus, dad prepared everything for me so that I can just on the switch and play J
Now, my Nintendo colour is spoilt as my aunt, whom kept it stored in her cupboard for years, kept my Nintendo with batteries intact. Also, as she has stored it with all her other stuffs, my Nintendo had a crack in the screen. It could not be played or used anymore for the batteries has melted and no matter how hard I tried to make I work( I am not a technical person, note) it just could not. ): I am saddened by this. Oh wells, the past is past, what is most memorable is that my dad got it for me.
Now, when I am of this age, I do not regret my mum letting me learn ice skating this late (although once in a while I would feel sad as this meant I am way behind all my peers) and asking me to study continuously and my dad, although he is always busy with work, we all know he loves my sis and I a lot and would pamper us lots. With these, I found balance and now, I love both of my parents for all that they’ve done! I don’t regret much really. (:
Thank you, daddy and mummy for everything. I am sorry if i have been a bad girl at times...I know that the feng shui shi said that i am becoming more playful and thus, my grades will be affected. However, i will try my best to prevent that (: I will buck up!
Love, your eldest daughter
Jermain
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